Anxiety, insomnia and my table.

Anxiety, insomnia and my table.

I am very random; I hate summer nights for they’re too long and heated, too long means too much time for my paranoid brain to go wandering. What are some possibilities to think of so that I can dive deeper in melancholia?

I took a pill: normally it takes 20 to 30 minutes for the desired effects, decreasing the rate of my heart beats. I don’t understand why my heart releases adrenaline I don’t need. I’m very energetic tonight, the pain I feel in my back during the day while I’m sleepy and while wanting the world to just go away eases. I can play a presto sonata, I want my heart to beat to the moonlight sonata, not the first movement of course.

I am very fond of people who play such music and worship those who write it, my heart can compose such. O did I talk a little bit too much about my heart? I’m profoundly sorry.

Music is a space, piano keys, violin chords are characters in order for the sounds to make sense and express loveliness, there should be a story. I like pieces with a bridge and a plot; the plot usually makes a story exciting but I’m at a point of my life where everything seems to be a plot and none of it is exciting. I’m a character, in fact, I act a lot, I am a student in the morning and something at night, I really don’t put too much effort into living, imagine having to do something that ends with a gerund; it is weighty and at least people sleep but I don’t.

I wanted to scream, but I can’t; the window is open and I’m too lazy to move from my bed to close it so I decided not to, and If I did, how would people I Could have woke up from sleep interpret it, part of me thinks they won’t, they’ll just get angry about it, insult me and get back to sleep. I’m reminded of the painting by Van Gogh: the hands under the cheeks inspire a feeling of shock like a drag queen who’s not ready for her sleep.

It’s 4.00 am and I still can’t sleep so I’m staring at the table in front of me, a square table: it has a teapot on it, the teapot is half open with a spoon inside barely showing, besides there is a glass I was offered for free at a restaurant, also I have my laptop on it with its charger above it, does it mean the charger is more important than the laptop itself ? Besides, there is an empty Pepsi cola bottle, a chunk of bread and a 2 liters bottle of water, there was also a ruler and some coins, most importantly on the table were my anxiety pills!

I ate the chunk of bread, drank some water and then stretched my tongue for hope there are still some cola drops in the empty bottle. I took my anxiety pills, opened my laptop and wrote this.

Do you perchance want to discover what’s on my table tomorrow?

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Issam ElMeddah
19 ans, Etudiant à l'ENCG Marrakech. "J'écris sur les murs de mes fantaisies enfantines des mots qui sentent l'ardeur de l'espoir et l'innocence du petit, après je rompt le silence et mes larmes se mettent à couler, Ma foi !"


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