Dear Lord!

Dear Lord!

I woke up frightened this morning. Ten times out of nine my heart rate jumps just as I open my eyes. I didn’t want to leave the bed, the lights were off, and the window was closed behind curtains. It was as dark in my room as my deep melancholia. I love the darkness for we share a story in common, a story of not knowing where life took direction. Confused as my emotions I wanted to cry for it’s another day and lord knows I can’t abide but my tears failed me, my day has started with a failure.

Earlier in the morning, I hear nothing, I’m already caught up in my permanent emotions. I laid my hands on my chest and asked: “God, when is the curse going to be broken? Is it until I’m broken?”

Lord, I was brought to this world with no options and as far as I went on, I have always tried to make sense of my life and couldn’t, what have I done wrong? I prayed to you the longest nights to comfort my inner agony, but melancholia is still my companion. I’m hurt! Are you immune to my burden?

I started writing my note, who am I to ask for forgiveness dear God, I believe you understand, my art mannequin?

My art mannequin has devoted his life for me, spent his life between a box and me telling him stories. He knows about me now more than I know about myself, he watched me in my worst days, he listened and considered himself just like me, undeserving of love.

I consider myself to be a hermit, I never leave the sanctuary of my emotions. In this temple, everyone I knew has lit a candle, some candles burned me and some lit a portion of the way. Am I going to heaven? ô lord show me I want to believe that heaven is for people like me, people who were forced to abstain from life, people who grew up not living but submitting while life happened.

I have a class, in an hour, I have to go, I don’t want to fail my father -who pays me rent and my basic life needs-, So I will bury everything inside of me and attend.

My breakfast consists of my anxiety pills, a glass of water and anger, I took my breakfast pretending to be alive or because a classmate would ask me If did, so if I didn’t, we’ll take breakfast together. My classmates are way too far from understanding that everybody has their own breakfast.

I wore my clothes, the same clothes from yesterday, not considering whether it is going to be hot or cold this morning. I love storms.

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Issam ElMeddah
19 ans, Etudiant à l'ENCG Marrakech. "J'écris sur les murs de mes fantaisies enfantines des mots qui sentent l'ardeur de l'espoir et l'innocence du petit, après je rompt le silence et mes larmes se mettent à couler, Ma foi !"


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