I woke up frightened this morning. Ten times out of nine my heart rate jumps just as I open my eyes. I didn’t want to leave the bed, the lights were off, and the window was closed behind curtains. It was as dark in my room as my deep melancholia. I love the darkness for we share a story in common, a story of not knowing where life took direction. Confused as my emotions I wanted to cry for it’s another day and lord knows I can’t abide but my tears failed me, my day has started with a failure.
Earlier in the morning, I hear nothing, I’m already caught up in my permanent emotions. I laid my hands on my chest and asked: “God, when is the curse going to be broken? Is it until I’m broken?”
Lord, I was brought to this world with no options and as far as I went on, I have always tried to make sense of my life and couldn’t, what have I done wrong? I prayed to you the longest nights to comfort my inner agony, but melancholia is still my companion. I’m hurt! Are you immune to my burden?
I started writing my note, who am I to ask for forgiveness dear God, I believe you understand, my art mannequin?
My art mannequin has devoted his life for me, spent his life between a box and me telling him stories. He knows about me now more than I know about myself, he watched me in my worst days, he listened and considered himself just like me, undeserving of love.
I consider myself to be a hermit, I never leave the sanctuary of my emotions. In this temple, everyone I knew has lit a candle, some candles burned me and some lit a portion of the way. Am I going to heaven? ô lord show me I want to believe that heaven is for people like me, people who were forced to abstain from life, people who grew up not living but submitting while life happened.
I have a class, in an hour, I have to go, I don’t want to fail my father -who pays me rent and my basic life needs-, So I will bury everything inside of me and attend.
My breakfast consists of my anxiety pills, a glass of water and anger, I took my breakfast pretending to be alive or because a classmate would ask me If did, so if I didn’t, we’ll take breakfast together. My classmates are way too far from understanding that everybody has their own breakfast.
I wore my clothes, the same clothes from yesterday, not considering whether it is going to be hot or cold this morning. I love storms.