Dear future me,
This may sound strange to you. I doubt you’ll even think this is a serious letter and not a joke.
But there’s so much I want to tell you. I’m pretty sure by now you briefly remember what it’s like to be young, wild, full of dreams and hope, hope that one day you won’t be such a small fish in a big ocean.
But here’s what you never forgot: You remember back in middle school when the teachers purposefully put you in the last spot in class because you’re so quiet and weird. You remember sitting all alone looking out the window to the branches of trees outside, lightly moving from the breeze, imagining the figures of giants and dwarfs that you took time to name. No one really knew you made up a whole world in your mind. Every time it gets a little lonely you cross to the other side. That incredible kingdom you spent so much time in, that every time you had to go back to the real world, it felt like leaving home. You remember the whispering, the laughing, the throwing pencils of the other kids. Do you know how people say « kids are just kids »? Well, some kids are just the real-life version of Chucky.
You remember how nobody wanted to dance with you at the end of summer camp party. You’re so sure they don’t even know your name. You felt all sorts of awkward and everyone somehow thought you were unfriendly, when in fact all you ever wanted was for someone to know the real you. Someone to be nice to you.
You remember back in high school, when you didn’t like how you looked. How you kept comparing yourself to the pretty girls at school with their perfect hair and how yours was sticking up in 10 different directions. You hated your acne, you hated your oily skin and you spent hours looking at magazines and those gorgeous models with glowy skin and silky hair. You were just an angry teenager. You remember that walk home every day, how lonely it felt and how all you ever wanted was to climb into your bed and forget the day.
« Why are you so skinny? » « Don’t you have food in your home? » « Your jeans don’t even fit you! » « Your hair is like straw » « ew, she has acne she probably doesn’t even wash her face »…
You remember the water you spilled all over your shirt today, and how you left your pot of coffee way too long that it boiled over and ruined the counter. You remember how you were running late and you forgot to take a jacket, how cold it was outside. It was the first day of college.
You remember the first person you smiled at when you got to school, god knows how rare that is at this point. You remember who laughed behind your back and when you turned around you see them talking to their friend, pointing at your combat boots as if they’ve never seen one before.
You remember how silent the classroom was when you got in, how everyone looked you up and down, how they smirked at your disheveled hair and how unfit you felt.
I hope you made it, I really do. I hope you did all the things your heart desired. That you crossed off every single thing in the list you made in 5th grade at recess when all the kids didn’t want to play with you, so you walked to that little old rusty bench in the playground and wrote all the things you want to do in life. Funny how when we’re so little we know what we want to do, but when we grow up life gets confusing and we lose sight of who we were.
I hope life was kind to you and I hope you made the best of it. That every punch in the gut and every heartbreak you felt is now part of someone you no longer are. I hope all that pain doesn’t matter now because you finally learned how to love yourself, how to wipe out those tears and swear to never cry for the same reason twice, and most importantly, how to be kind to that fragile soul you have.
I hope you have a great life now.